My best friend’s daughter overloaded me with compliments yesterday when we spent time in the sun discussing life in general and the Swedish election in particular. She is 8, soon 9 and clever as a book. She is extremely investigating and curious. If I could only see myself as she does.
She looks at me and tells me how she loves how I dress and that I sparkle. For too long I have been working on my weight and my body trying to be something that I thought I should be. This combined with an eating disorder since way back has caused me more grief and only a person going through the same pain would know what it feels like. The never ending battle. There have been days where the sorrow in life caused by circumstances around me end up in a big bowl of guilt. Where I feel unloveable, crazy and freak like. This still occurs from time to time. I have through the years, with help from therapy, family and close friends gotten to realise that this does not have to define me. But, as soon as I loose balance in life it sure starts to spin me around again. The anxiety takes me for an evil ride kicking me in the gut and leaves me blank in a ditch. And if only for a short while it is still such a waste of time. So much energy, so many days of my life wasted into a hole filled with self loathing and judgement. On the outside, I sparkle and glow, in order to divert the attention from the pain. Instead of hiding I go excessive and I make sure to take my place. My spot in the sunshine. That is how many, maybe you, probably see me. And with that said, what you see is me. My issue is that I don’t grasp it. I don’t feel it. It might sound selfish but all I care about when I am in that ditch is my own perspective.
Little E’s words yesterday hit me. And I decided that before I turn 40 ( in 11 months and 25 days) I am to see what it is she sees in me. I must start to believe and listen. It is time for a change of perspective. And with change I do not mean loosing 10 kilos and get back into the skinny jeans.
This is my declaration of sparkle:
This time it is about a mental shift. About feeling strong. About enjoying myself and my body. Instead of goal weight I am aiming for a faster and stronger body. And to induce a happy state of mind I shall eat food that fuels happiness and makes me glow. Key word being balance. Not too much, not too little. Sometimes there shall be chocolate and sometimes there shall be cocktails and wine.
I shall meet and enjoy family and friends more. Better myself in communicating and letting people in.
I must dance more simply because I love myself more while doing it. Both in the gym and in night clubs.
I shall start lifting weights as my mind works much better when my body is stronger.
I will start therapy again. Proper.
I will continue writing and process food for thought.
I will never stop smiling. Nor stop crying when shit hits the fan. I will be stronger with every smile and every shed tear.
I will be more careful in love but never too scared to try. I am a true believer that I shall find the one for me. Or if not the one. Maybe a few before I die.
I will run 5 k under 27 minutes before June 2015.
I will take a beginner’s class in photography. I have so many visions and I want to see them take shape in other ways than through my iPhone.
Ulrika/ who wants to say thank you to E and all of you love monkeys out there who feed me with love and push me forward. You move me and you rock!