Since last many things have happened but not much has changed. My mind has been blank trying to figure out what to post on the blog. I see that I still have a few readers worldwide, which is fascinating and leaves me wondering: how did you find me? And what makes you come back? For whatever reason I feel flattered and happy.

I have no clear strategy or purpose for this forum as of yet. But I have a few ideas for the future to take to another level and pepper it with more edge, raw honesty and less mumbo jumbo. But for now I am sticking to this rather unstructured, observational, self examining narrative that I dare to say defines me. I guess with this post I am giving you a bit of an update.
I have, the last two months, been in a bubble getting a good working from home routine going combined with monthly trips to Malta and now and again to the Stockholm office. My work as a brand /product manager doing what I’ve done the last 3 yrs is going well but also combining that with administrating my own business is creating a bit more of a stir and a slightly longer to do list. I have the perfect solution but it gets lonely at times. Thank God for Skype and a good team in Malta.

My eating disorder and all its’ ups and downs is a tiredsome subject. I am being coached in iTrim to learn (again) about routines and healthy choices. I am trying to work more actively on the inside and redirecting my train of thought. I am reading literature and will start working with cognitive behavioural therapy I learned in 2006 when I was admitted to the clinic for eating disorders. For the first time in my life I am giving myself the time and place to do this. To feel the pain the disorder causes me and to look at it with new, slightly older eyes. I fool myself time and time again working with quick fixes and the compensation strategy. I know the disorder and the emotional eating pattern I have is something that I will have with me until I die. I manage it but just. I need to work with anxiety and control behaviour before it gets out of hand. Only my very very close family and loved ones know how this affects me in periods. How it can bring me down. But it is also a source for my raw determination and strength. I am just grateful that in my case the addiction has been food and my drug of choice never turned to alcohol or narcotics. I am forty and I am beyond body issues and the vanity phase. Even though that body issue question is a hot debate at the moment. I know I will never be pleased with myself unless I find the peace from within. My tools right now are:

– honesty to myself

– meditation, relaxation exercises

– physical exercises to snap out of my mood swings. Something little everyday.

– logging food intake in Lifesum. Not to see the calories but to minimise over or undeating and create a pattern where I eat and actually remember the intake.

– going to the biweekly meetings.

– sugar detox. Eat clean 80% of the time.

I don’t think I have ever seen things as clearly as today. The last months have been filled with self doubt and questioning myself and my will power. I am in such a good place in all ways. I have love, I am loved and I love. I am living with a great man and have the support from a loving family. I have the material things (and more) I want and need and I live in a beautiful home in a place of the world that is rich, clean and safe. Still, the doubt is there. So enough of that. Time to get sorted. In the future I am hoping to find a way to share without pointing fingers. I am failing all the time. But I know that each failure is a lesson awaiting to be learned and as long as I breathe and my blood pumps as free as it should I get a new chance to be and to do better. Never perfect but always a little bit better.

 The above books are being analysed at the moment. The sugar detox will start after my next Malta trip. I need not be on the move when detoxing as I know I will be constantly angry for a few weeks.

Happy, beaten and proud after a training session with my new personal trainer Emy. Let me know if you are in Malmö and want to come with me to SATS or iTrim. I’ll train most things!

 My bunch! Love all the way, through good and bad, happy and sad.❤️

Ok. I do not promise but I am pretty sure the next post will be closer than 2 months away. Until then, lots of love and waves from this side of an iPhone.

“I may not have gone where I intended to go, but I think I’ve ended up where I needed to be.”  Douglas Adams

Ulrika/ who is done over thinking and ready for an evening walk with Ove the dog.

Published by Elsa Ulrika Collvin

44 year old woman in the south of Sweden. Things I love: Ove the dog, Signe Larsson the cat, the sea, green life lakes, the ocean, plants, fashion, vintage all in a good old mix, hip hop, sneakers, the sun, my family, mindfulness, Yoga, movies, books, dancing, cycling, food. I do not love: too long winters, grumpy old men, grumpy old women, animal cruelty, net hate, rasism

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